How To Distract People From Your Huge Pimple
Hey guys! Do you know what’s more fun than an uninterrupted Netflix marathon paired with a flawless Deliveroo order? Getting a spot! Really. We know you’ve tried it, hated it, and wish to never revisit the event, but may we offer a bold counterargument: Maybe you weren’t doing it right?
Here’s how to get a pimple and subsequently, how to steer people’s attention away from it (aka, how to do it Right).
Purchase a large, obnoxious hat
Ideally, the obnoxiousness of the hat will directly correlate with the gravity of your pimple. A modest pink speckle on the outer cheek warrants a something in the vein of 2014 Pharrell at the Grammy’s, while a flame colored speed bump in the centre of your forehead calls for an operatic fascinator adorned with dangling, severed Barbie heads (live a little, no?).
In any case, it should be some degree of obnoxious.Take inspiration from anything that would be annoying to sit behind at the movies. What pimple?
Wear a fancy lip
Okay, fine, we get it! You have really great shampoo commercial-level hair and you don’t want to go messing it up with some elaborate head fixture. We hear you. Your alternative: let your mouth do the talking—as biology intended!—and reach for your favorite juicy lip color. And on this day, we give you permission to apply it with purpose, perhaps layering a few coats to really let that pigment P-OOO-P! (that’s an elongated ‘pop’, you sicko). Who’s looking at that disaster site now? Answer: no-one.
Wear a ZitSticka
We figure there’s a lot to get through in your typical day—a lot of which will be done in public. And so, evicting a spot from your face shouldn’t have to wait until you get home that evening. Spare your fellow human the unease of not knowing where to look, while getting to work on melting it at the very same time. Ever heard of multitasking?!
So apply a ZitSticka, start going about your business, and after two hours the teeny microdarts will have dissolved within your pimple’s nucleus, pummeling it with hyaluronic acid, niacinamide, oligopeptide-76 (a fancy antimicrobial that kills acne bacteria) and salicylic acid (consider this quartet a Dyson vacuum, but for acne). All the while, the exterior distracts people from what lies beneath.
In some exotic parts of the world, a ZitSticka is referred to as the patch made in heaven.
Image 1: Jacquemus